The Trauma

Following an unplanned writing hiatus, I have been swaying for some time on what to write next. Should I continue with the sequence of all previous posts and write “The Rehabilitation Part 2” , or should I interrupt this flow with what is happening in my life right now? I decided on the latter.  

It is imperative to share that although I now appear fit, healthy and pain-free, this is not necessarily always the case below the exterior. At the time of writing, I am sitting in the Emergency Department of Lewisham Hospital as a result of a skiing accident I was involved in one week ago.  

Even the thought of skiing a couple of years ago was unimaginable. But there I was, on my second skiing holiday, actually making some progress. The clouds had cleared and I was loving life. Then, out of nowhere, a skier crashed into me, sending me falling down the Genepy run in Val D’Isere, France.

Once my tumbling had come to a halt, I recall opening my eyes and being greeted by 6 or 7 concerned skiers asking if I was OK. The truth was that I had no idea. I blinked away some tears and shakily replied “I think I need a minute”.

I cautiously moved my neck and each of my limbs, acknowledging in relief that nothing appeared broken or dislocated. As per a fellow skier's advice, I eventually managed to manoeuvre to the side of the slope so that I would be out of immediate danger, where I sat with two of my closest friends, Emma and Nicole. Shortly after sitting down, pins and needles began travelling up my face as I tried to process what had just happened. If you have read my previous blogs, you will know that I would have recognised these symptoms straight away as an imminent panic attack. However, despite trembling from shock, I managed to control my breathing by closing my eyes and focusing solely on my breath. Breath work is an incredibly powerful tool (thank you, Karen) which prevented a panic attack mid-escalation - so if you don’t know, get to know!  

Once my breathing had calmed down, all I wanted was to get off the ski slope and to a place of safety with a hot chocolate the same size of my head. So that is exactly what we did. After I politely/stubbornly declined some official slope-side assistance, I put all dignity aside and slid down the steepest part of the slope on my bum so that I was able to get my skis back on. Imagine police cars escorting a high profile celebrity when picturing what followed. Slowly but surely, Nicole skied in front, and Emma skied behind to protect me like the fragile little egg I was, until we reached the bottom. I honestly cannot thank Emma and Nicole enough for how amazingly supportive they were in the immediate moments, days, and even weeks following the accident. They are real life angels.

Now that some backstory has been provided, I am able to explain why I deemed it necessary to share this story right now. The day that followed the collision was the worst I have felt pain-wise for a very long time. Aside from the raging hangover I was suffering from after drinking copious amounts of alcohol to numb the pain and shock (super healthy coping mechanism, I know), the pain my body was in was unbearable.

Several concerns flooded through my mind that morning. How long is this agony going to last? Was this accident going to trigger a flare up of my condition? And finally, am I going to end up in the same state I was in years ago, needing to start all over again? The possibility of the last option absolutely terrified me.  

I listened to my body and rested all day, letting myself “feel my feelings”. I’m not saying I threw myself a full-blown pity party, but I did acknowledge that the situation was indeed very shitty, and allowed myself to be upset. This is something I will always make time for now. Attempting to brush off your emotions might seem like the most practical solution at the time, and sometimes we don’t have any other option. However, I have learned that suppressing how you really feel will only work in the short term. Those emotions and feelings that you didn’t process at the time will always find a way to rear their head further down the line.  

In the days that followed the accident, my mood was relatively low in comparison to my usual chirpy self. The pain throughout my body was still horrendous, but manageable. My emotions were running fairly high as I was yet to fully recover from the shock, and I found myself crying more than usual. For people who know me well, it may be incomprehensible to imagine one crying any more, but it turns out that it is actually possible.

For the first time in years, the muscles in my back started seizing up and going into spasm. I ended up doubled over while at work, tears spilling over my cheeks in agony and struggling to take a breath. Stubbornly, I refused to take any more time off work to rest and so I powered through it, with the help of some cannabis oil I acquired (the same oil which allowed me to reduce my tramadol dosage years ago).

A week or so following the collision, some additional symptoms then joined the party. I began experiencing a sharp, shooting pain at the bottom of my spine and stabbing pains in my left knee. I was immediately brought back to my initial spine injury almost 15 years ago, as the symptoms were identical. I became slightly concerned that more serious damage had materialised, or that something had perhaps slipped out of place. However, I was also suspicious that there was potentially some response happening due to the physical trauma from the skiing accident.

The worsened pain continued for a few more days before I decided to bite the bullet and make the trip to the hospital to get checked out. If anything, it was more for peace of mind, but I felt prepared for whatever the doctor could possibly tell me. After what felt like 17 hours in the waiting room, I was assessed by an A&E consultant. It was during the excessively long waiting time for this consultation that I began writing this blog post. The doctor's main concern was eliminating the possibility of cauda equina – a condition involving compression of the nerves in the lower back which requires emergency surgery. Once this had been ruled out, the doctor confirmed my suspicions that my body was indeed experiencing a trauma response. I was prescribed some strong anti-inflammatory medication and sent on my way.  

I know I should have been more grateful that there was no acute injury, and I was relieved about this. However, frustration and disappointment overcame me. I became upset at the realisation that what I thought was in the past was still very much part of my present. How kind of my body to store those symptoms away, waiting for the opportunity to pounce and humble the shit out of me.

After taking a moment to process the information I had recently received, it was time to pull myself together. I reminded myself that if this did set me back, I would at least already have the tools this time to be able to get myself back on track again. I did it before, starting from a far worse place, so I knew I was capable of getting through it again.

I usually exercise in the form of weight training at least 3 times per week. However, my body was already under a lot of stress, so attempting to do this while in recovery would have likely made matters worse. So instead of lifting weights, I focused on mobility through yoga and stretching, as well as allowing myself time for plenty of rest – something I rarely do. I made sure I was journaling almost every day to prevent any overthinking and irrational behaviours. I also meditated every evening before bed in attempt to create some tranquillity and allow my nervous system to calm down.

It would be very easy for something like this to send somebody on a downward spiral, but what good would that do? I truly believe that every challenge life throws at you is some sort of test. This, to me, was no different. Maybe the universe had recognised how far I had come, and wanted to make sure I still knew how to get myself through pain flare ups. Maybe it was to give me a kick up the arse to get writing again and serve my purpose of helping others in similar situations. Or maybe, it was to warn me that skiing is just not for me.

Whatever the reason, a few weeks have now passed since my hospital visit and I can confidently say that I feel like things are back to normal. No more stabbing pains in my spine and joints, and no more crippling pain from back spasms.  

Once I returned to the gym after a couple of weeks, I reduced the weights I was lifting to ease myself back into it. This appeared to be more of a mental battle than a physical one, but I tried (very hard) to not allow my ego to interfere with my recovery. It didn’t take long for me to feel comfortable enough to start increasing the weight, without any repercussions. This break turned out to serve me well, giving my muscles a chance to recover. It hasn’t been easy, but I am pleased to say that I am now frequently gaining PB’s, and feeling stronger than ever.  

Much love,

Kirsten xox